Ethos

I’m still finding my personal ethos and I want to believe I’m still in the process of self discovery. The past few years have been life changing and I felt that I haven’t been the same since. I was a firm believer of faith when I was young. I grew up in a Christian community and grew up attending Sunday school. I participated in youth orgs and dance orgs every Sunday. I studied in a Catholic school and graduated college believing the same faith. Even though I grew up in a dysfunctional family it’s what kept me resilient through all of it. But apart from being faithful I also got entitled. I always thought of bargaining my way out of things. I reckoned that if I continue to do good things, be a good person and a good member of the society maybe I would have a comfortable life someday. Maybe if I persevere and work hard I’ll get rewarded for it. I thought that’s how the universe worked. But as I grew older I realised that life doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me. The universe is cold and indifferent. And it doesn’t owe us anything. I was pretty much bummed out because of this realisation that I got bitter and it made me feel hatred, and worse, envy. I got jealous of people who seemed to get everything without really working hard for it. That vile people get luxuries and riches they don’t deserve. I always wondered, how did they even deserve everything they are getting. Envy got into me so bad that it made me snap. I thought, “what difference does it make if I deliberately do bad things?” Bad people get away with things anyway. So I did terrible things. Things I was opposed to, things that I was aware would destroy me in the long run. I didn’t care of repercussions because fuck it, right? 

But as it went on, I realised that people don’t really get away from the things they do. They only get distracted from the terrible guilt that comes along with it. They shrug it off by another wrongdoing or diversion. It’s a cycle. A tiring and self-destructing one. I got out of it luckily but it also liberated me from believing in the faith I was born into. I tried finding my way back but to no avail. I found comfort in Philosophy instead. From all the things I read and watched, what made me accept things is Stoicism in the form of a recently published book. I kept thinking that maybe it’s okay not to believe what most people believe in as long as I do good and continue to be a better person. And that even though the universe doesn’t care about us and what good we do to others, good things still happen because we make it happen. All of this are still new to me and I’m still finding something worth sacrificing for. Like that old greek myth Sisyphus. I’m still finding that boulder that I will relentlessly push uphill even though I know it will roll down when it nears the top.

— Fury

I am a Christian. Born in a Methodist-Christian family, raised in a home with Christian parents and both grandfathers became the bishop of their church. Being raised in this kind of setting puts pressure on you growing up. That you need to be “perfect” in your every little actions. That you are forced to follow the ten commandments and be in fear if you disobey those commandments. Those are the principles that I carried through my grade school and high school days but I was far from practicing it. I just put the blame on other people when they do the opposite of what I believe in, but never put judgement on myself when I break my own principles; in other words, I am a hypocrite. Been preaching about how to be a ‘good’ man but cannot put it in to actions. The transition from my third year to fourth year in high school was one of the major things that happened in my life. My family left our church, IEMELIF, and we transferred into a born again Christian church, BREAD OF LIFE. I’ve started seeing Christianity in a different way now. That people are not to be judged, and instead we need to understand where are they coming from and the reasons behind their actions. I was more tactful and less aggressive on judging people based on their actions and slowly putting the words into actions.

Fast forward to 2019, and about what is my principle and ethos in life. I’ve met three important people in my life in the past two years. They will be nameless but surely they will know who they are when they read this. They helped me a lot in understanding life and how to view it differently. I cannot thank them enough for how they taught me to understand life better, on what I think about life. I now live with just one principle in life: UNDERSTAND. I learned that you need to understand what’s going on first; before you jump to conclusions, you need to understand the reason behind people’s actions. It became simpler for me how to approach things in life since I’ve met them. I know that there are many things that are intertwined with that principle but that’s been the core concept that I’ve been practicing.

— Maverick

Lost in Transit

Why would a world set in motion, be still? 
As the incursion of an invisible string, torrents an insurmountable force of dread. 
Will it ever occur that right or wrong, is a matter of when?

We aren't so indistinct, you and I, 
But, our indifference says otherwise. 
Does it make those nights livelier, and those days less duller? 
Even if a little sense to the tragedy, may seem flagrant for the unkind, 
does it make monotony a convenience?

In what might occur in the evening, 
When mind sets, unsettled; 
and heart falters, untethered; 
thoughts racing amidst a wavering guilt 
of false self-persecution, and delusional intent to torment own soul. 
A dim light illuminates the cloister where solitude is held, 
creating shadows as they notoriously dance in the dark, 
as the music plays in your head, in silence. 

Where you plead guilty for all the selfishness, as wished, 
leaving fractals of lies like breadcrumbs, 
only to find out no one is following. 
You ask yourself, "what's wrong?", 
but, all the wild-goose chase only make the truth most certainly less likely, 
for it forges a predominant fear of being stuck in one's own mind. 
Fetching the remnants from the futile battle of self-conflict, 
yet, another paradox comes to  perturb the preservation of what's left of the tranquility. 
And from it, the seclusion from the last line of sanity unhinged,  
provoking a more sinister sentiment of self-loathing.  

And through the sunrise, when no reprieve was met, 
an isle of isolation evokes a stream of tears, 
from the enigmatic culture of human emotions,  
branching out an anguish for the cruelty of the disease from the weak; 
in itself, forming an ambiguity, forlorn of self-demise. 

Upon reaching the end, moving elsewhere and going nowhere, lost in transit, while the faceless come and go. 
All the while, I, the perjurer remains in reverse, 
has the time gone so fast, even a blink had passed right by, 
or was it I, who was slow enough got left behind? 
As everyone come rushing, indeed, I remained unmoving. 
"Did I ask for this?" Have I concluded to be the antagonist of myself,  
and all these shroud of ambiguous thoughts, lead to myself being the one at fault? 

The vague fatality of wishing one's freedom suddenly become stale,  
as it pushes us to permit ourselves get imprisoned by the potential outgrowth of mediocrity. 
In need of substance, keep searching, 
but, only to the extent of sacrificial boredom. 
To properly enable the chaos existing within,  
and coming to terms with it, as it embody a creative cycle of life. 
Make a believer out of hostility, 
and a dreamer out of nightmares. 
It is only a brief moment, but,  
the fulfillment of promise will always favor even the most unstable of fools,  
more than the most adamant of autocrats.

-- Glitch

Let’s talk about HIV

Quoting one of the articles of Department of Health:

“The Philippine data showed that in 2016, 83% of newly reported HIV cases occurred among males who have sex with males (MSM) and transgender women who have sex with males (TGW). Majority of the new infections are occurring among 15 to 24 year old MSM and TGW.

In 2015, only 35% of 15 to 24 year-old MSM and TGW had correct knowledge on HIV transmission and prevention.” https://www.doh.gov.ph/node/10649

When I read about this article, I was shocked that the majority who has HIV are from the youth. At an early age they have this kind of problem to face already. Consequences of your action, wrong decision, being naïve, etc. are many things that we can say to these young people. We can say that it is their fault and they have no right to question people who judge. We can say that they are in that position because they chose to do it.

I also had that kind of perspective 2 years ago; but change happened when I met 2 amazing people who are now my closest friends. They are both having depression in life and slowly fighting life with it. When one of them had a big problem in life, my quick judgement is to blame her for her actions, condemn and just keep on pointing out that you chose that path and you deserve it. After giving it some thought, it dawned on me that those kinds of judgement will not help anyone; I was living for 21 years of judgement and self-righteousness but my intention was to help her and let her realize that it was your fault and you need live with. It is just that my delivery was out of place and hopefully, I wasn’t misinterpreted.

Learning what happened 2 years ago, this case is not completely different. We just need to understand the people who has this disease and gradually help them. Judging, condemning, and pointing fingers will not solve anything at an early stage. Suggest solutions to fix the problem and just give love and care for these people.

Sometimes we think that complicated problems should have complicated solutions; but sometimes the solution is simple. Understanding and giving them practical solutions will definitely decrease this problem. Spreading knowledge on how to avoid HIV and how to know the signs and symptoms if you have it already. There are clinics that give free HIV testing, companies that give free condoms and free medicinal treatments for startup. These are the things that people don’t really have the knowledge of and we can spread it through social media and word of mouth.

Peace and love!

— Maverick

Reaching For The Unchartered

Twilight Last year of the same date, I woke up to the song “Should I Stay or Should I Go” while playing through my playlist in shuffle mode. It was quite weird and somehow alarming – was it a foreshadowing? I don’t know, but it happened at the exact day that I always question my existence. Every. Damn. Year. Was it worth celebrating after all these years I’ve managed to keep myself alive? I don’t know, I’ve already asked too many questions left unanswered, even as I stood here today. It’s just another day anyway. Another year. Of what? I didn’t want to add anymore uncertain thoughts, so I’m just gonna have to stop myself there. I don’t know what’s going to happen today. Will today be kind to me, or will it continue to torture me? It’s always one or the other. And I’d hate to expect anything from today, so I’m just going to give myself a hug for containing my madness, for keeping it from falling out. Either way, a year older or not, the question from The Clash’s hit song is probably a reminder to me every day. The moment I wake up and consciousness kicks in, I wonder, “Should I Stay or Should I Go”?. It’s always the hardest decision to make, as painful as trying to endure it everyday, asking myself that question over and over again. But as I ask myself that again, now, after a year. How far have I gone? 364 fudqinq days! That’s not basic. That’s courage. And after all that, I remain here, still, tortured and beaten. I say to them, not today. And, yeah, I’m still standing. The only difference is that, I woke up every fudqinq day for 364 days. That’s what I would like to remind myself today, my courage. My existence can go fuck itself off. To all the creatures who tested and challenged my power, and to those adventurers who gave support and compassion, I wouldn’t have leveled up to get me where I am today. Nowhere, actually. But, at least I’m not dead.

— Glitch

Coming Out With Sexual Assault

There are some truths that are hard to talk about and this is one of those. I came out today as a sexual assault victim. I have kept it under the rug for the past years and only told a few souls about it. This is the first time I had this come to light. I reckoned it’s part of who I am and I should embrace even this ugly part of me so no one can use it against me. I have always aspired to live a life as truthful as I can have it to be.

It took me years to tell my own mother because I know it will devastate her. Especially when the perpetrator is someone who’s family. I endured years of being scared even in my own home. Growing up confused with my sexuality because I always thought that sex is disgusting because of that incident. I tried really hard to forget that part of my life, but our brain is cunning and it has an ugly way to remind me through dreams. So I decided to just accept it the way it is.

You know when you experience that kind of trauma, you never truly get over it. Even when you’re at this age. Until now I had to be taught by my therapist to wrap my head around that fact and seek healthier ways to cope with it. It took me years to make peace with all the rage, devastation, and resentment. Day by day I still try my best to win against it.

Another thing about coming out is the fact that other people will also have the strength to come out of their traumas. You’ll be amazed of the number of people who have survived their own hell. And through this, I also wish them courage, acceptance, and healing.

— Fury

In what seemed like ages,
A mask of desperation, in a comfort silence,
Lost in the inevitable,

Once again, like a new leaf,
As it blooms,
Reaching far out to the endless sky,
In exalt, it breeds.

In not so long ago,
An image of horror, in a tranquil madness,
Lost in the uncertainty,

Finally, like an old leaf,
As it withers,
Lying still in the cold hard concrete,
In passing, it fades.

— Glitch

Understanding ‘Men Are Trash’

As someone who experiences sexual advances and oppression everyday, I’d like to share some knowledge about this movement in the hope of shedding light to its meaning. Whenever it’s brought up during a casual chat with friends I always get fired up because I really want my friends to understand where I’m coming from. I remember one heated debate I had with Maverick regarding this. And I remember saying that I only have the energy to shed light about the things I give a fuck about to the people I care for.

1. The purpose of this movement is not to blatantly attack men. It is made to call out problematic behaviours of men. If you’d ask me, the bold statement catches people’s attention quickly. But I’m hoping that they would dig deeper than its title. Because we know that not all men are trash, obviously. But we want you to understand that incidents of patriarchal privilege, sexual assault, rape, or even murder are rampant. It doesn’t aim to generalise but to get your attention and call out the aforementioned problematic behaviours.
2. This movement was not made to gaslight men when they are harassed. We know for a fact that there are cases of assault that are inflicted by women. Yes, there are cases of domestic violence where women are the abusers and we condemn women who manipulate people, and who are using the said movement to justify their behaviour. This movement was not made to condone such incidents.
3. This movement does not mean that women are superior beings. We just want equality. The sole purpose of the movement is to have that same respect as equals. That women are not made for your carnal urges. That women are not objects to be fetishised on. That women can say no without apologising. We just want the same respect that you give to your fellow men.

These are just a few of points I’d like to emphasise, since talking about patriarchy takes a whole day because of a lot of things that need to be addressed. But I do hope I have discussed my points clearly. And to the men reading this, I personally have nothing against you by having this principle. I know most of my friends are decent enough. I do hope that the next time you’ll hear this statement, you’ll no longer feel offended, but instead you’ll have the same understanding and compassion about what we go through on a daily basis and call out men who ARE trash.

The #MenAreTrash movement is not an attack on men. What the movement aims to do is address the patriarchal privilege that men have enjoyed since the beginning of time. It is a call for action and a cry from women who are asking for their freedom. 

Sibongile Matebese, 2017

— Fury

/a/k/o

How Photography made me like myself better.

I started my interest in photography back in 2015. At first it was just for the ‘gram, as they say. I wanted to keep up with everyone who has a nice feed, and have a creative way to showcase things (even those mundane ones). I didn’t have gear then – I only used my mobile phone and captured random photos of clouds, architectural designs, flatlays of food, or anything pleasing to the eyes.

Come 2016, me and my boyfriend (now husband) got into Shibari. For those who are curious, Shibari is the art of Japanese Bondage. Out of whim and curiosity, we purchased our first cotton rope from an adult shop and started playing with it. We didn’t use it for the sake of sex but for tying and creating photos with it. A photographer invited me for a shoot a few months after we started doing shoots on our own. It was my first time dealing with hobbyists and I might say it’s the first gig that really got me into doing photoshoots. A few months after, I purchased our own camera. We started out with a simple one, a Canon 1200d. That’s when I started really learning about photography and post processing. Now it’s been 2 years since we started out on this hobby. And I appreciate having more people who are interested to collaborate with us.

It has also been my way to cope with depression. I have done several sets that depict mental illness and also my way to express something I couldn’t say out loud. I also got the opportunity to collaborate with photographers who are also mental health advocates.

Now, you might ask. How does an overweight woman even become a model? Back then I was so insecure of my body. Even until now to be honest. But seeing it on a different light and perspective, I have grown to appreciate it more including every flaw that goes with it. And let’s not forget how my husband made me see myself the way I look at it now. He’s the one who taught me to appreciate myself better.

I have encountered people who criticised what I do and see it as too graphic, tagged it as pornography, see it as too provocative and I thought, who cares about what would people say? This is my art. I understood that some wouldn’t appreciate it. And that’s okay. It has been my way of expressing ever since and became a way to shun the demons in my head. Best part about it is it can also be a way of helping people. One of the shoots I did was for a benefit gig for the Lumads back in 2015. I have posed nude in a forest once and it felt liberating. Doing something reckless, for the sake of expression does give you a sense of pride and fulfilment. And I will never cease just because people don’t appreciate what I do.

Shoot for Lumads benefit gig. Shot by Nikki Genova.

— Fury